| Today's letter comes from Bridget West, of
Chicopee Ma. Dear Bitterman: What's with all this "Old School" and "Back in the Day", that the kids are talking about? That's a very interesting question, Bridget. Being from Chicopee I'd have to say if you remember LeFreak by Chic you might be old school. As a matter of fact: if in your high school yearbook picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar "up." or a three-piece corduroy suit you might be old school. If you rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position you might be old school. If Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned English, Math or Civics you might be old school. If back in the day you were afraid of the Sleestaks on "Land Of The Lost" you might be old school. If you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" or "Where's the Beef?" in conversation you might be old school. If you cried at Luke and Laura's wedding you might be old school. If you know who shot JR or you dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer you might be old school. If you can sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German you might be old school. And finally Bridget, if back in the day, you had a Dorothy Hamill haircut, you are old school, but thanks for the letter... |
Today's letter comes from Jo O'Connor of
Cardinal, New Hampshire Dear Bitterman:
That's a very interesting question, Jo. Let me tell you why beer is better than God. First off, no one will kill you for not drinking beer. You don't have to wait over 2,000 years for a second beer. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex (although, in many cases, it will tell you when and where to have sex). When you have beer, you don't knock on other people's doors trying to give it away. Very few geeks are driving around with beer is my co-pilot bumper stickers. There are laws that say a beer label can't lie to you, and it's illegal to force beer on minors who can't think for themselves You can prove you have a beer, and if you devote your life to beer, there are groups to help you quit. Let's see your God do that! But thanks for the letter, Jo. It's time for me to say, "Later on - crouton."
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| Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know
it creates a pleasing I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44states that I may buy slaves from the
nations that are around us. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. |
Today's letter comes from Joe Hill of
Uniondale, MA. Dear Bitterman:
That's a very interesting question, Joe, and I'll tell you what I'm not going to do: and that's cheer for that rat bastard, Tiger Wood. Now, before you start jumping up and down like the line in front of the Ladies 'head' at Great Woods, let me pop this zit in the bud: this is not a race issue. Some of my best friends are black, Asian, American Indian, Polynesian, mixes, etc. Actually they aren't, but you get my condescending point. See, Tiger was all kissy face with the Screen Actors Guild, and refused to cross the picket line to do any new ads for Nike, but when it came time to honor his 20-million-dollar endorsement deal with Buick, he snuck across the boarder to Canada Like a Clinton in war time to shoot the spot in Toronto. That's all you need to know about Tiger Wood -- he's a lying, two-faced scumbag scab. But then again, he is one king hell of a golfer. I'm sure millions will flock to watch him on TV each and every week, until they get bored watching him win by 20 strokes - like in a month. I'll be happy to know: as his star tumbles from the sky like a rich German tourist, that I'll be smug as a bug in a rug, knowing the reason I'm not working is because I'm a faithful union man - damn it! But thanks for the letter, Joe. It's time for me to say later on crouton. |
| NASA celebrated the 100th shuttle launch last night. Which is important, because now the reruns can be syndicated. So --- now, it’s time once again to play America’s favorite: If it’s an international space station, how come we’re doing all the work? I’ll give you four names, and you tell me which one isn’t the name of a shuttle: A) EXPLORER THE ANSWER IS ELSEWHERE ON PAGE. |
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| Are your investments in order? In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
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Top Ten New Slogans for Rat Dropping
Infested Maria's Pasta 10) Try our new chocolate chip gnocchi 9) Chef Boyardee keeps human heads in his refrigerator, why don't you pick on him? 8) We put the tort in tortellini. 7) It's Medford, duh! 6) Semonlina, salmonella --- what's the difference? 5) What do you want from a Mickey Mouse operation? 4) Pasta, pista --- what's the difference? 3) The bitch had it coming. Oh wait, that's the number three from Top Ten New Slogans for fat-faced Patrick Kennedy --- nevermind. 2) Raccota, rat caca --- what's the difference? 1) We give a rat's ass about our food. |
| Today's question comes from Tom Judge
of Red Lion, Mass. Dear
Bitter Man: That's a very interesting question, Tom, but trivial in the face of the fact that we, as Americans, are facing the single greatest threat to our civilization: The 100BB Bug. As we all know, the signs out in front of our beloved McDonald's, where allowed by local zoning laws, show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. Currently, that number stands at 99-billion burgers, or, for you computer wonks, 99 giga-burgers. Within days, that number will roll over to 100-billion burgers, McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the thought of selling 100-billion burgers was a pipe dream -- at best. So, the signs only have two decimal places. This means, after the sale of the 100-billionth burger, McDonald's sign will read, "00 billion burgers sold". This, experts fear, will cause people to think that, in over 30 years, McDonald's has yet to sell a burger, causing a complete loss in consumer confidence in the Golden Arches. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales would be almost certain to force Ronald into receivership. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, forcing us all to get jobs flipping burgers, but we can't -- because McDonald's is closed. I hope now you understand why I don't give a rat's ass about why there is no ham in hamburger, Tom, but thanks for the letter. It's time for me to say, "You want fries with that?" Answer to the Space Shuttle Quiz ANSWER: A) THE EXPLORER. IT’S NOT A SPACE SHUTTLE, IT’S AN S.U.V. THAT WILL MORE THAN LIKELY WILL FLIP OVER ON YOU AND BLOW UP. |
General Cinema has filed for bankruptcy protection. You know – it must be that low price they’re selling the popcorn for that’s killing them. Here’s a couple of ideas on how they could make a little extra money:
Pat Buchanan at Bob Jones University
Thank you and Buchanan Uber Allis! |
It seems the Disney characters had some other demands too:
The Official statement from Masatoshi Ono of Bridgestone/Firestone I come before you to apologize for all the rollover accidents that may or may not have been caused by my tires. All of these accidents happened in SUVs, so really Starbuck’s and cell phones could be to blame. I don’t think we should rule them out. More research is needed. We thought we had shipped all our bad tires to Saudi Arabia. Remember them? The Saudi’s? The guys who’s fat you pulled ot of the Fire in the Gulf.War – and now they’re going to charge you $35 bucks a barrell for oil this winter. Admit it – you hate them. You were happy that we sent our bad tires to them. So, a couple ended up in the United States. Get over it. Plus, we only made the tires, Ford put them on your SUVs. Blame them. Our tires have only killed 88 Americans. Don’t forget – you bastards dropped a couple of atomic bombs on us. Let’s just call the whole thing a wash.
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Dear Bitterman,
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's, sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all thecomputers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it ll last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail. And, the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&M's; but, if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck:you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet! |
| What would you have for your last meal?
FOOD FOR THOUGHT AS TAX DAY The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 (I don't know what version the author was referring to) words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today. There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions. Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print. The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth. Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions. American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States. The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI. 60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return. Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined. Scary, isn't it?
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It's time once again to ask a bitterman. Today's letter comes from Ms. Bea Spelling of Educator, MA. Dear Bitterman: Can you tell me some rules for emailing you that won't drive you crazy? That's an interesting question Ms. Spellling. Here are some rules for sending me e-mail. Please follow:
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| THIS JUST IN … Houston, we have a problem. Drug charges have been dropped against Whitney Houston, who was stopped in a Hawaiian airport in January for allegedly carrying 15.2 grams of marijuana in her purse. She was looking forward to jail --- she could've spent more time with Bobby that way.
Just some information for those who care. KFC has been a part of our American traditions for many years. Many people, day in and day out, eat at KFC religiously. Do they really know what they are eating? During a recent study of KFC done at the University of New Hampshire, they found some very upsetting facts. First of all, has anybody noticed that just recently, the company has changed their name? Kentucky Fried Chicken has become KFC. Does anybody know why? We thought the real reason was because of the "FRIED" food issue. It's not. The reason why they call it KFC is because they can not use the word "chicken" anymore. Why? KFC does not use real chickens. They actually use genetically manipulated organisms. These so called "chickens" are kept alive by tubes inserted into their bodies to pump blood and nutrients throughout their structure. They have no beaks, no feathers, and no feet Their bone structure is dramatically shrunk to get more meat out of them. This is great for KFC because they do not have to pay so much for their production costs. There is no more plucking of the feathers or the removal of the beaks and feet. The government has told them to change all of their menus so they do not say chicken anywhere. If you look closely you will notice this. Listen to their commercials, I guarantee you will not see or hear the word chicken. I find this matter to be very disturbing. I hope people will start to realize this and let other people know. Please forward this message to as many people as you can. Together we can make KFC start using real chicken again.
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Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their Sacred honor. What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Elevewere merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags. Thomas McKean was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward. Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General, Cornwallis, had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed. His wife, and she died within a few months. ohn Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates. Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor." They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government! Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid. Remember: freedom is never free! It's time we get the word out that patriotism is NOT a sin, and the Fourth of July has more to it than beer, picnics, and baseball games. But then again, it is a four-day weekend --- let's drink! |
| In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million were rounded up and exterminated. In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated. Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945, 13 million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up and exterminated. China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated. Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million educated people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated. Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated. Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000. Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated. Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century because of gun control: 56 million. But then again, Charlton Heston is an ASSHOLE. Gun Control Now!
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It’s time once again to ask a bitterman. Today’s letter comes from Ken Moore, of B.U. Mass. Dear Bitter Man, I’m a college freshman, but I love the Classic Rock. Am I weird or what? That’s a very interesting question, Ken, but you know what’s really weird? If you’re a freshman, you were probably born in 1982, which means you remember less about Reagan than even he does. You were in short pants during the Gulf War. You’ve only known one pope, and you don’t even remember the space shuttle blowing up. All your bottle caps have been plastic and screw off. You’ve never listened to Classic Rock in it’s natural state. That is, on an 8-track player from the back seat of your Le Car, and as far as you know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents. Jay Leno has always been the host of the tonight show, your popcorn has always been microwaved, and you never saw Larry Bird play. You kids today. You not only don’t know who shot J.R., you don’t even know who J.R. was. Your McDonald’s never came in styrofoam and Michael Jackson has always been white. But don’t worry, you’ll grow up one day. You’ll start keeping more food in your fridge than beer. Your vacations will go from 130 days a year to just seven. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt, and you’ll start watching The Weather Channel. But on the bright side: when you get older, you don’t have to slam down a few drinks at home to save money before going out to a bar. But thanks for the letter, Ken. It’s time for me to say – late on crouton.
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| It’s time now for the Ba-Da-Bing Beach Report,
brought to you by the Ba-Da-Bing Bar. Check out our
"Legs and Eggs"
Special this morning. Free lap dance --- with every Denver Omelet sold. Today’s a beauty of a day for the beach. Check out Tenean Beach --- over there in Dorchester, knee cap high waves and a loose sand dune just under the bridge --- that makes for easy digging. However, you might want to avoid that whole area, including my personal favorite --- the gravel pits over by the Florian Hall --- until the Feds and their backhoes move on. Maybe this weekend. A nice alternative is Little Mystic in Charlestown. The beach is still a little oily from that spill this summer – but you could bury a fringing Caddy full of snitches out there and a thousand ATF agents with their Bermuda shorts and metal detector could look all year and they wouldn’t find a thing --- the mooks. That’s the Ba-Da-Bing Beach Report – and Angie, call your mother. She’s getting worried. |
The Freedom Trail and the Charles River are fine, but when are the Duck Boats going to start giving tours of the historic beaches in Dorchester and Quincy? "Over here is Tenean Beach, where the FBI found the body of Paul McGonagle." "To your right you'll see beautiful Florian Hall, where the cops dug up Bucky Barrett, John McIntyre and Debbie Hussey. As we cross the river, you can see up to the right, here, the condos of Whitey Bulger, Stephen "The Rifleman", Flemmi and, oddly enough, Channel 5 news anchor, Chet Williams. Up here on Wollaston Beach is the last resting place of Shorty McGonagle. Oh, wait second. The cops don't know about that one, yet. Who wants fried clams?
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